The Paro Complex
Disclaimer: pieces of content written below are not anti-men
It’s a beautiful Saturday morning and I realise how audacious an era we are living in today. It’s an era of Dua Lipa, Taylor Swift, Refinery29, BBC woman’s hour… If you’re a bit aware; you would know exactly what I mean when I say it’s an era of the rise of empowered women.
I can’t even begin to explain how lucky I feel to be a part of this era. Not because the women have made it and our society has achieved gender equity and equal pay; but because our society is seeing women SPEAK up and begin the journey to break generational patterns of patriarchal operating and systems.
However, there is one more thing happening with the rise of powerful women. The rise of men who don’t know how to deal with women who are strong. Basically, with their inferiority complexes. Maybe it’s because they genuinely haven’t seen such women while growing up, or heard of them, or read about them,… or even if they have.. not registered the being of an empowered woman who can speak her mind and is connected to her soul.
The Paro Complex
Here is where I will introduce the concept of the Paro Complex. Remember Devdas? The character based on a novel written by Sarat Chandra Chattopadhyay. Ideally describes what is happening in today’s times. Let me elaborate.
Devdas and Paro fall madly in love with each other; but devdas gives in to his mother and refuses to marry Paro. Paro goes ahead and marries someone who her mother chooses and the story ends with devdas becoming a drunkard, blaming paro for his drinking problems and his grief.
Because she didn’t listen to him, when he wanted her (Paro) to forgive his mother for belittling Paro and her mother…. {for their previous ancestors having been engaged in the profession of being courtesans & dancers}.
When Paro literally moved on with her husband; who was a man who respected her, gave her space, financial security ; Mr Devdas decided to make her life miserable by lying outside her home, in a drunken state, trying to grab attention. Not just that, while he was still in love with one woman, he went and engaged with another one (Chandramukhi) while repeatedly thinking about the first (Paro). Making Chandramukhi feel less than… as well! So now we had, a broken man, who wasn’t strong enough to fight for love, who wasn’t strong enough to make amends…. and who messed with the lives of two beautiful women.
This is what it entails to love a man who is weaker than you. Rather, a better way to put it should be… most men find it harder to accept, and adjust to women…. not women who are stronger… because women as a gender are inherently very strong. We bear children! and give birth to the next race!
And at some point in time, men refused to evolve their feminine sides, which is emotional thinking & emotional rationale.
The whole point of me writing this piece is to tell the women, please don’t fall trap into the Paro complex. And I must begin by saying, that we ALL have that nurturing instinct in us. We are naturally inclined to be empathetic. However, one, (especially women who have had no choice but to be strong), has to be able to distinguish and select the battles one really needs to fight. Its a necessary lifeskill.
Men need women need men need other genders…. The truth is everybody needs all the love and support that they can garner. But is giving that love coming at the cost of your own mental peace, your self respect and your confidence? Is someone consistently seeking your attention to empower himself and validate himself because he cannot deal with his own complexities and issues?
Again.. allow me to elaborate. Do you feel that you have been a part of any of the following situation?
Where you have decided to open up once you felt comfortable and then you’ve been judged or gaslit for the very same things that you were coaxed to open up about
Now why do you think that is? Here’s what. Someone who is genuinely interested in your growth and wants to support you…. will do that. And will shot it. Not just say it. Simple.
Now when you have spoken up, has that person backlashed into mansplaining you how you can’t take any criticism? Here’s what. Giving and taking productive feedback is not a one way street.
Someone who is genuinely giving you critical feedback will ALSO help you find a solution to the problems and issues that you face. The conversation will not always be like “Hey, look I am guiding you so you can’t have your own thoughts and your own opinions.”
Remember, taking help, guidance, and a healthy mentorship is always a two way process. And always has been.
Someone trying to belittle you is dealing with his own trauma and insecurities and if you succumb to it, you will be trying to heal this person all your life;
by giving your energy and time and you may or may not be regarded or appreciated for the same. Which at some point causes you to hurt yourself.
Again, like i clearly mentioned in the disclaimer, this is not an anti men topic. Men have an equal if not more of a responsibility to deal with things like:
women choosing not to marry
women choosing not to have children
women choosing to give financial freedom more importance than “settling down”
women prioritising themselves over their families
These are things very few people speak about, in their daily lives but they are today’s reality. the resistance that women face today, is real. Today, women do realise their worth and the men who won’t match up to them, would be left behind in the game of evolution.
For the lovely women and girls reading my blog, I have one important message:
You and generations of women before you, have worked very hard to be where we are today. If someone doesn’t get it, it’s best to allow people to rise to the occassion themselves. Why? Of course I know being women we can always Help the situation. But, let’s ask ourselves, does that really help the situation? And help you?
